I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Randomize
