dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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