Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
