nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
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