I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
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Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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