I'm so fucking centered right now
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
