You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
