This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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