I hate your face
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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