he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
