I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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