Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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