she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
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