i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
