I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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