I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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