mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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