I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
