pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
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we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
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What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
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