I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
