Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
