I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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