Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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