I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
