so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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