All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
My dad just said "fuck circus"
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize