just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
It's shark week go big or go home
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
