fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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