It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
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i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
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Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
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