I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
i already hear my dad disowning me
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Randomize
