Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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