Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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