So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
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I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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