she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Randomize
