it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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