I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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