Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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