Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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