I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Randomize
