my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
my shit smells like andre
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
