Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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