I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
