Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
