well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
