When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
