I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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