going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
