Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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