Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
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Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
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I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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