I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
