I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
this beer tastes like vomit already
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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