he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Randomize
