What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
