I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
