I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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