I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I intend to get homeless drunk
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
